Silent Rage: My Thoughts on #BlackLivesMatter

Less than a week ago, I said the following on my personal Facebook account:

The more I read online everyday and see on the various news outlets, social media, and pretty much with people out and about everyday, I can't help but agree with Solomonster (podcaster that I listen to frequently) said about 2020 thus far:
"2020 has come around and a LOT of people have been showing their @$$... and not in a good way either."
From people showing their true colors on bigotry, racism, and just overall STUPIDITY, I know can't look the same way at a lot of people from this point forward. It's really sad too. By the day, it seems like my respect for more and more people is going down the drain fast.

Unfriend me or block me, I don't care at this point. This is real life and not a popularity contest like we're all back in high school. People flourish off positivity in their lives and can do without the negativity, so in a crazy turn of events, this is a purging in a sense for a lot of people.

I'm 35 going on 36 years old. In a lot of avenues of my life, I firmly believe that my silence is golden. I don’t speak publicly on a lot of subjects, but the widespread awareness of #BlackLivesMatter makes me want to say SOMETHING and it took me a long time how to put my feelings into the right words.

"Somewhere I Belong" by Linkin Park is a song that still resonates with me to this day, much like a lot of their songs.

From as far back as I could remember, I never felt like I belonged, regardless of my skin color or interests, even to this day. Sure, there's seldom few people that I click with and get along with regularly, but I can count those who I truly feel comfortable around that aren't family or childhood friends on one-hand if I'm perfectly honest. Most of those individuals are people I have met on the Internet and haven't interacted with in a real life setting either. Part of it is me being an introvert that I've went into detail about in the past, but the other part is a massive disconnect with society as a whole the older I get.

I blame childhood bullies and peers putting the notion in my head of never being “not black enough” for my race. It's accepted into society now with the popularity of the Marvel Cinematic Universe that has swept over the world, but I was a comic book nerd growing up. On top of that, I was a black comic book nerd at that. I'll admit, I'm never as upset and outspoken as everyone else when it comes to the outrage and demand that there should be more heroes of color in those mediums. I have been into this stuff for so long that I just got used to it. If there was a hero or character of color I would instantly gravitate or identify with them, but that didn't stop me from admiring and identifying with the white/Caucasian heroes/characters either. I don't know what to properly describe it as, but I never developed what I see online nowadays as this hatred for anything that isn't represented with other cultures and races in mind for proper identification from the viewers/spectators, such as the mindset that thinks that we need multi-racial versions of established heroes and other beloved fictional characters. How about we show some originality and create our own characters of color instead to represent us and fill in the gaps as needed? Or here's a better idea, shine some light on lesser known characters of color and different ethnic backgrounds and/or sexual preferences. I like the latter more since there's more potential to give those established lesser known characters the love and appreciation - and better yet, exposure to a wider audience - that they deserve.

I don't want people to think I'm totally against multi-racial variants of established heroes either. I cried watching Avengers: Endgame in the theater at two different occasions:

The first was during the film's climax when Captain America said the one thing I thought I would never hear in a live-action movie for the longest time - "Avengers Assemble!". Kids today will not understand the gravity of what it means that Marvel Studios and Disney have done with taking Marvel Comics' heroes, who were widely regarded as their B through D tier heroes in comparison to their powerhouses in Spider-Man, X-Men, and the Fantastic Four (all held hostage by Sony Pictures and 20th Century Fox at the time) and made this cinematic universe actually work without the latter to lay out the groundwork. So as a kid who grew up being ridiculed and picked on for majority of my youth to the early point of my adolescent life, it broke me to see these beloved heroes that I have loved reading about and even attempting to draw over the years stand all together on the silver screen.

The second time was during the film's ending (spoiler warning) after Steve Rogers/Captain America took all of the Infinity Stones back to the past, only to return as an elderly old man. He asks Sam Wilson/The Falcon to sit down with him. Bucky silently nods and gives the go ahead. From here, Steve takes his iconic shield from out of his bag and hands it to Sam. Steve then asks, "How does it feel?" Sam hesitates and replies with, "It feels heavy... like it belongs to someone else." I lost it. I'm not even going to lie, because I knew how controversial yet powerful the decision to make The Falcon be the new Captain America in the comics continuity was when they did it. Anthony Mackie is definitely the right man to pull this off and carry the burden. Not a lot of people still don't agree with this decision to this day since Chris Evans was so beloved as Captain America/Steve Rogers on and off-camera, but if Marvel Studios are looking to continue making waves for another decade or more, then they need a different type of Captain America, especially for where the world is headed in the next decade or so. I did a paper in college talking about how superheroes and comics work best when they are reflections of the time periods that they originate from. That fact is still applicable today, now more than ever.

Turning beloved non-white characters into white/Caucasian counterparts to suit needs in live-action cinema is definitely whitewashing though and that deserves the shit storm that it brings every time it happens. That shit isn't going to fly anymore when this stuff isn't digested by a niche minority anymore. The majority sees a lot of the stuff that was swept underneath the rug for so long and it's the same thing that's happening with what's going on with black lives. Nothing isn't going to be swept underneath the rug and forgotten about. People are speaking out. People are demanding for a change. People genuinely want an end for the bloodshed.

“Treat people how you want to be treated.”

The was a lesson that my parents burned into my mind at an early age. I carry that with me in all walks of my life, even to this day. I guess that's why it frustrates me more than it should when there's people in our lives that habitually take advantage of said kindness and take it lightly.

Examples:

One co-worker who tried to cost me my job on not one but multiple occasions over the course of the past three years. Always confronted this person with a smile in all of our interactions all the way up to the day of her departure this past week. I wasn’t going to give this individual the satisfaction that they got under my skin. You beat hatred with a smile. I wasn't going to reduce myself to going down on her level.

I can’t even call certain individuals on message boards and forums that I associate myself with regularly as acquaintances at best who say controversial shit on the regular just to get a rise out of not only me, but all of those around them just to see the sparks fly on that website or on social media as a whole. I will never understand those individuals that get off of others’ misery for their own amusement. People take up these hobbies online and seek out others with similar interests to connect and distance themselves from the negativity and angst in their daily lives. There's no reason to go on the Internet and be a dick just to stroke your own ego. I've lost too many friends to suicide, no thanks to dipshits and others bullying and verbally assaulting them for no reason. It's easier said than done to tell someone to have a tough skin and to just deal with it. Words hurt and leave deeper wounds than any knife or sword. I distance myself from people a lot - more so for their own protection than anything and for my own mental clarity. If someone pushes me to that point of getting mad enough to offer a rebuttal to the shit that comes out of their mouths, trust and believe that I'm not apologizing after the fact. On the flip side though? I'm getting too old to argue with people on the Internet that I have never met before nor don't know me personally in any shape or form outside some message board posts. What's really frustrating that it's so easy to get caught up in all of this information that comes from the wealth of technology at our disposal. It's up to everyone to find that point where you go "That's enough and step away." Too much of anything isn't good for anyone. That's the same from all of this information that we absorb from the Internet, television, and those around us in our everyday lives.

A positive example? During my college days, I had a particular work study job that saw me working with other students of various ethnic backgrounds, races, and even religious faiths. On that very same job, everyone would ridicule this one Muslim co-worker for his practices and what not. No one would want to work nor talk with him. One of the supervisors was even maliciously screwing with his pay when he was the hardest worker they had. I told him what this supervisor was doing and let’s just say that the supervisor at question wasn’t in power much longer. That particular Muslim co-worker and I hit it off as friends for a very long time. I haven’t kept in touch with him since we left college, but by chance he met my father on another job that they landed at the same time and he was able to help my father in a similar manner. Anyone who knows me personally will tell you that my dad isn’t the most patient with modern technology, so he needed help in that regard. My Muslim friend was able to educate my father in learning the technical skills required to keep his job when their peers were willing to let him sink and fail. To this day, years later, my dad still tells me about how much my Muslim friend thought highly of me for what I did for him when we were both in college.

Here's another positive example. When I got to college, I felt more estranged from everyone else than ever before. That shit that everyone tells you about you go to college to reinvent yourself and make all of these new friends and what not is complete bullshit. I felt more like a social outcast in college than I have ever did in my grade school years. I never felt "black enough" since I didn't know about all of these pop culture black films, didn't live and breathe Scarface, Blow, or any other crime film, or I couldn't name 10-20 rappers on a whim. I was still that black nerd who liked my comic books, anime, and video games. I ended making a friend who I met on a whim when I was hanging out in one of the 24/7 computer labs. This white girl was getting slut-shamed by some of her so-called friends and frat boys. I didn't see her for any of that. She merely asked me if I wanted to hang out and it just took off from there. She didn't even had to acknowledge me at all being there that night. All of the crazy trips to Wal-Mart in the middle of the night, all of her silly texts and songs from her mixtapes and CDs are still stuck in my head to this day. Hell, I hung out and talked with her more than my roommates at the time and she remains to be one of the very few people I still keep in contact with from college. She treated me like a good friend should and I extended that courtesy to her as well. She didn't have to give me the time of day, but saw me alone and offered her friendship. I doubt I would have had the mental stability to survive my first year of college without her in that regard.

I believe in God and his teachings, yet I have a lot of friends who are atheists and those of different religious faiths altogether. I have always made it a point never to force my religious beliefs on anyone else and would kindly ask those that I call friends to do the same. Who am I to tell you or anyone else for that matter what to believe in? If I can’t respect your beliefs then how can I expect you to believe mine? It all goes back to treating people how you want to be treated.

My Own Experiences

The Police

Truth be told, I have worked with law enforcement, either during my past working security or even knowing them personally from my own brother-in-law working as one in the past. My oldest sister works in Criminal Law and I have accompanied her to several law enforcement conferences over the years. One of her mentors that passed away a few years ago was a great man and a close family friend. He died of natural causes, so I won’t tarnish his legacy by saying that he had anything to do with what has scarred this country in recent memory. I’ll just say that man was loved by his peers and my sister like a second father.

One the flip side, I worked with a police officer in one of my former places of employment for a VERY long time. He treated me with respect and we had no issues out of the years that we worked together. That is until one fateful day. I don’t know if he got up on the wrong side of bed or what, but he went off on some other members of color in the office that day, saying some derogatory terms which got him reprimanded by Human Resources. I was called in to testify on his case as a character witness. I didn’t lie for him. I thought that one situation was extremely uncharacteristic for him, but otherwise, I thought he was a good person. That being said, I couldn’t look at him the same again after that day, not that he was around much longer after that.

That being said, I’ve seen the good that the police are capable of, but I’ve seen the bad too.

Two more examples hit close to home really. You probably seen it on the news. A peaceful protest in the capital here in my home state turns ugly as the police are forced to take militaristic action to resume control of the situation after having one of their cars flipped over. Fortunately, there weren't any causalities in this particular situation, but I can't say that it was a pretty site to watch unfold on the local news that evening.

Another was literally less than two weeks ago where I was at work and the police from all over the area started filing into the parking lot of our place of business. No one happened to inform our establishment that there was going to be a local protest up the road in town. As a result, the local law enforcement chose our area to gear up like they were going to war. Highway patrolmen, off-duty cops, and local and out of county officers kept piling on in. As one of the few people of color at my current place of employment, I was fucking scared out of my mind seeing these guys gearing up with enough firepower to put down a sizable platoon. I took photos and recorded video on my phone (both of which I would share on this platform but I'm pretty sure someone would be easily able to trace back to me...) and sent it to my boss. Normally, I would take my daily walk/jog around the property for exercise, but that was one of the few days that I took my black ass straight home after my boss gave the okay to evacuate the building. I don't know nor want to know how that played out with that many cops in one area for a small town's protest.

#BlackLivesMatter

Back when I was commuting to and from college, I would start my morning commute about 6AM and wouldn’t get back home until after midnight after doing both of my work study jobs, daily coursework, and getting homework done while on campus. One of two cops would stop me at two different points of my drive home almost every week. I never told anyone about this until now, but that was another nerve-racking moment of my life as a man of color. Here I am, alone and tired on my drive home and this guy is giving me the riot act, asking me where I’m going and what I’m doing when I have my passenger seat full of textbooks and what not from my college coursework. Out of all of those interactions for roughly two years, I only got ONE speeding ticket. The rest of those times were just the police heckling me for no goddamn reason. They could’ve killed me and left me for dead on that dark backroad and no one would’ve been the wiser.

Ever since I’ve been diagnosed with diabetes over the past year, I’ve been exercising a lot by walking around local neighborhoods, parks, or wherever I can squeeze it in. The place of my current employment has about a mile or two around the entire campus/compound, so I try to get a walk in around that entire area during my lunch break. Sounds innocent enough right? I would think so too, but once every week, there would be a police car that would follow me around the ENTIRE loop around the vicinity. Mind you, I’m the only person of color making rounds in this area. I’m not going to lie. That shit scares the fuck out of me. We’ve read the stories about blacks being gunned down for no reason while going for their morning jogs. I don’t want to be another statistic. It’s shit like this that is always on the back of my mind when I’m going for a walk which is for my own physical health but in the back of my mind, I’m fearing for my life too. All of this just because I’m a man of color.

I'm sure every has heard of the murder of Breonna Taylor who was gunned down in her own Louisville apartment by police blindly firing into her home, thinking it was a drug bust... or so they have said. When I heard of that story, I thought back to how many times when I would come home from working 2nd or 3rd shift on my old dead end security job, only to see the police show up in the neighborhood where the apartment that my older brother and I were sharing, only to bust yet another one of our neighbors on drugs. Who says that couldn't have been me shot dead in the middle of the night? Thank god that I don't live in that environment anymore, but that was my living situation when I was barely making ends meet back then.

Ever since this COVID-19 thing went in full swing, I never stopped working nor got laid off. Instead, my place of employment increased my hours, so I’m still out in the public everyday. I’m already diabetic so I wear a facemask everywhere I go. Being a man of color, I instantly get singled out like I’m about to rob any place I go to while wearing a facemask on though from all of the awkward stares and glances. It’s already fucking frustrating to be wearing this mask where I’m already feeling claustrophobic the longer I wear it, but here I am again, fearing for my life too if the wrong person gets the wrong idea why I’m wearing a facemask.

White Privilege

As far back as I can remember, I remember seeing my white peers and classmates having certain “advantages”. Some would cheat and lie their way through their coursework onto the honor roll and high academics. Others would lie and cheat their way into positions of power and authority that they are clearly not qualified for, only to hire their close friends and family members with even fewer skills necessary to do said job. For example, I have seen one place of employment hire a white colleague that I knew personally, who didn’t have any credentials to perform the desired A++ IT position into that position, but allowed him the time to go to school and get the said degree off-the-books while upper management lied about his background and experience level(s). How do I know that? Because I applied for the very same job (while working for a different department within said organization) with several other peers of color (all fresh out of college with IT degrees, mind you) and was shot down for the same position. That "free ride" in a sense didn't pan out after the organization was forced to do a widespread thorough background check on all of the workers' credentials, so he was fired and removed out of his position faster than a hiccup for working under false pretenses.

I couldn’t help but find that experience a bit daunting. This isn't the only time I've seen this happen and I know it won't be the last either.

Many of you know that I have been a fan of professional wrestling for a very long time. You have to be blind and/or the special kind of stupid not to see that something similar is going on in WWE. How many blonde white women has Vince McMahon pushed to the moon? How many white guys have been elevated to top spots in that company while the black wrestlers, along with just about any non-white talent, hit a glass ceiling and are reduced to being comedy goofs and jobber fodder? I was happy to see Kofi Kingston win the big one at WrestleMania last year, but let's be real here. Kofi was NEVER part of their original plans. They had to be dragged kicking and screaming to go in that direction. Much like their moves with pushing women for their so-called Divas Revolution and the infamous Warrior Award during Hall of Fame as part of WrestleMania weekend, it's just a publicity stunt and PR move to garner good press and add brownie points to their public reception. The biggest thing that's laughable about the Warrior Award is that The Ultimate Warrior was a known bigot. I hate to speak ill of the dead, but the truth's out there. Maybe his wife, Diana Warrior, feels differently, but I'm not going to forget the words that came out of his own mouth.

Oh yeah, let's not forget this moment in WWE history that has been ironically swept under the rug.

I get mad thinking back to this storyline every single time that someone reminds me of it. All of these years later and Bruce Pritchard still makes excuses for it and tries to say that this didn't have any "racist" intentions when it was ALL over that storyline. Triple H was in bed with the boss' daughter at that point and could have changed it but no, this asshole went along with it. I praise him for all of his work with NXT and stuff in the years that followed, but this is still one blemish on his WWE career that I won't ever forget. Instead, a lot of people tend to overlook that fact.

Oh yeah, let's not forget that known racist Hulk Hogan is still employed by that company, who to this very day, still hasn't given a formal apology for what he said. Yet somehow, someway, this asshole is still employed and tolerated by this company.

Getting Mad

Every time one of these new reports come out of black lives being lost to police brutality, random gun violence, another tragedy from school shootings, etc., you always look on social media and see the same song and dance. "We have to do better." It goes around for a few days and then people go right back to their usual behavior. Nothing changes. It happens time and time again. 

In so many avenues of life, I feel so powerless, especially when it is engraved in your head by social conventions that you don't matter. In Superman: The Animated Series, Superman stood up to Darkseid and was beaten to an inch of his life, unable to stop the pending invasion from Apokalips. Darkseid came to Earth, expecting the people of Earth to cower and beg for their lives. Instead, it took ONE man to stand and hold their ground to tell Darkseid they weren't handing over the Earth without a fight. Who was that man? It wasn't Superman - it was Dan Turpin.

Dan Turpin wasn't a Superman - he was just an ordinary man doing the right thing. That's what I aspire to do every day. I envy that degree of courage to stand up when others will do or say nothing. I want to do good and inspire others to do good, despite the fact that's often easier said than done. It's easy for me to spout off at the handle about stuff I don't agree with or rave about things that I love on here, but difficult to take a stand. 

I'm no martyr but it frustrates and irritates me to no end when you have these social justice warriors (SJWs) on not only Facebook, Twitter, and other avenues of social media, but across other websites and networks, like message boards, Discord, DeviantArt, Tumblr, and various blogs. These individuals paint this picture that they are so high and mighty that if everything doesn't go their way or carries out every request at any and all whims, they call themselves a sacrificial lamb that will bring said platform down with their departure. It's easy to be brave online behind a keyboard as an anonymous user with your IP address hidden behind a VPN. I feel like these "internet celebrities" (if you can even call them that) talk a big game but wouldn't stand with anyone for these causes if it arrived at their doorsteps. Over the last few weeks, I have heard a lot of shit come out of the mouths of podcasters, YouTube/Twitch streamers, and other popular outlets in nerd culture that has been either really tone deaf and/or completely insensitive of what's going on in the world right now. I'm not ashamed to admit that I went around unfollowing and unsubscribing to a lot of channels and outlets I have enjoyed in the past when it's clear these individuals only care about me as long as I'm eating out of their asses with a silver spoon. 

What makes me mad with a lot of these killings is that it could have been me more often than not in similar situations. There's not a single day that I don't worry about my oldest niece and nephew going to college and having to fend for themselves as men and women of color in the state that the world we live in has become. The sad reality of this matter is that it's nothing new. It's just the fact that modern technology is recording and exposing more and more of these tragedies and bringing them to the surface. I will repeat myself for those who still don't get it. Imagine yourself in the shoes of George Floyd, lying on the ground with a police officer holding his knee on your neck for eight minutes and forty-six seconds. You know that you're going to die with there being nothing within your power that you could do to stop it. Your life flashes before your eyes in those final moments and the only thing you wanted to do is to see your mother and loved ones one more time. All of this senseless violence all because the color of your skin. That's what makes me - and a lot of people like me - angry.

I want to clarify something too. I don't want my white friends to think that I think their entire race are to blame or I have it against all cops. The white friends that I have don't have to explain themselves nor apologize or make excuses for what their relatives and/or ancestors have done in the past. I know what's in your hearts. For the white people who may be reading this that I don't know personally, I want to see what YOU do in the present day with your own actions. Acknowledge what's going on today and has been going on for decades now. Listen to your friends and colleagues of color about their experiences. Stop making this about you.

Last but not least, all lives do and will ALWAYS matter but right now, the focus is on the importance and awareness of black lives being lost to police brutality and senseless violence. If you can't understand and do that much, then I don't know what to say to you.