The Chronicles of a Fed-Head: Unscripted -- VOLUME 1: Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda... How About Never?

While I'm not proud of all of these stories listed here, I do hope you guys
get good laugh out of it...

Ever since I did the original series of The Chronicles of a Fed-Head, I have had several former members of my past (and current) federations ask me if there were any stories that I would like to share with the masses that weren't detailed in The Rise & Fall of ZXWWF memoir. Due to popular request, here we are with another venture into my tales of my e-federation exploits. Sadly, this chapter won't focus on the negatives of my e-fedding ventures for once. Instead, this chapter will reveal some storylines, angles, and segments that I originally scheduled to do but cancelled or cut the cord on prematurely before they came to reality.

Since we have a lot of new followers to Let's Talk Wrestling, let me warn you guys now. Yes, I do talk about e-fedding on this blog. It's a healthy part of being a fan of professional wrestling, so I don't see anything wrong with discussing it on this blog. Football and basketball fans have their fantasy leagues, wrestling fans have e-feds. Get over it. If you don't want to hear about my e-fedding exploits, then leave now.

Now that's over with, let's get onto the show then, shall we?

VOLUME 1: Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda... How About Never?

Note: Sadly, this edition will not have continued lessons as I'm sure someone is going to take up some of these ideas and make them their own anyway.

Even King Bookah didn't approve of
this storyline... LMFAO

King Trey's Coronation Dinner

This was an idea that T-Bone and I immediately trashed after we randomly cooked it up. For those who don't know, King Trey was T-Bone's short-lived gimmick after winning the King of the Ring Tournament in ZXWWF. It was clear rip-off of the King Booker gimmick as T-Bone had Queen Emily at his side to mock Queen Sharmell.

After winning the KOTR tournament, the following show of ZXWWF programming was going to have a coronation ceremony where King Trey is crowned and ended with a dinner. It wouldn't be a regular dinner, it would be like how Prince served Charlie Murphy and his flunkies pancakes on that one skit of The Chappelle's Show. In this version, King Trey and Queen Emily would be treating all of the losers in the King of the Ring Tournament to a feast to celebrate King Trey's win. Wrestlers would be trying to go and get second helpings and Queen Emily would slap submissions onto those who tried, while King Trey would applaud the spectacle. Eventually, the other wrestlers would get fed up and it would erupt into a brawl, but King Trey's Knights of the Round (obvious Final Fantasy VII reference...), consisting of former WWF King of the Ring winners across history, beating the shit out of everyone in a promptly manner before finishing those fallen wrestlers' plates.

Sounds hilarious, right? We were laughing too hard cooking it up to even write the segment and get it into the show on time.

Female Gimmicks That Never Quite Made It

"Lady D" Ashley - This character was based off of another real life friend of mine. To our displeasure, Ashley Massaro debuted in WWE at the same time we cooked up this character with almost the exact same look and attitude. In the WWF themed games, I kept with the same look but gave her a John Cena-like moveset and in ZXWWF's humble beginnings, I booked her as the rookie diva who was the underdog and always found a way to rise above the competition. As more actual female roleplayers joined my e-federation at the time, she was one of many of my original wrestlers that I dropped just to give more spotlight to the other members to have a chance. To be honest, I would love to revisit this character in another e-federation or revamp her in one of the newer WWE video games.

Concubine - An Asian high-flyer based off one of my real life friend's girlfriend at the time. Hey, don't look at me like that... She's the one who named the character, I didn't. It just stuck. I haven't honestly thought of anything better over the last eight years. She originally started out to be hybrid of both Tajiri and Gail Kim, but quickly was scrapped due to the influx of numerous female wrestlers in ZXWWF at the time. One thing I wanted to do with her is do a Memoir of a Geisha-type storyline with her and another Superstar, but of course, no one was willing to do something of that fashion at the time. Much like Ashley, if I were to revisit this character in another e-federation, I would totally revamp her with a heavily inspired moveset from Joshi-style wrestling.

What hot-blooded male DIDN'T love this entrance?

Asuka & Bambi - Another collaboration from Cheeka and myself during our tenure on the VWA roster, ZXWWF's developmental territory. This was pretty much a female version of Jesse and Festus with a hilarious twist. Asuka played the part of Jesse, but she was an otaku who would always be more into her Japanese anime or reading the newest mangas than caring about their upcoming matches while Bambi was shy and timid until she heard the ringing of a bell. After her "transformation" - signaled by a moan of arousal and ripping her jacket open like Candice Michelle's ring entrance to expose a more revealing ring attire underneath - was uninhibited and acted much like a hybrid of Candice Michelle and ODB, since she used a lot of their mannerisms in matches.

For even more comedy to this pairing, Curryman was dating Bambi. If it was such a hit then why did we scrap the concept? Cheeka and I got really caught up into our joint-storyline that was the peak point of interest in ZXWWF at the time and we didn't want to sell people short on half-assing this gimmick if we tried to keep it going. We had fun with it while it lasted, but Asuka and Bambi quietly disappeared from VWA and ZXWWF entirely after the next few following weeks of their debut.

For your enjoyment I happened to find a few of these segments from the ZXWWF archives that Cheeka and I wrote together back in those days.

_______________________________________________________________________________
Curryman runs into Bambi and Asuka's dressing room, panicking. 
Curryman: "Why you sit? We hava match up next!"
Asuka: "Umm, no. They changed it. Apparently, a submission match between Ivory and Milyna Max is more important. Don't get me wrong - I enjoy seeing the vets in action, but we don't get any love around her." 
Curryman: "Maybe you two need to be more delicious, yes?"
Bambi shyly hides behind her manga comic while Asuka attempts to take it from her as she's already finished reading her own. 
Asuka (pouting): "Fine, be that way. I got something delicious for you Curryman." 
Asuka rings the bell that she conveniently keeps around to "spice" up Bambi from time to time. Bambi releases a sensual yawn and tosses her comic into Asuka's lap as she looks at Curryman dreamily. 
Curryman: "No, no, no! Bell bring Hornzilla! We must hide!" 
Bambi (licking her lips as she mocks Curryman): "Maybe after I show you how delicious I am, yes?" 
Curryman begins to dance until Bambi tackles him down behind the couch as Asuka shakes her head and reads the comic.
_______________________________________________________________________________
Curryman walks into Asuka and Bambi's locker room to see if they were ready for tonight's main event. Bambi shyly dashes into the bathroom to finish dressing. 
Curryman | Hot & Spicy"Mrs. Bam-Bam no ready? I ring bell now? Match sez next." 
Asuka doesn't look up from her construction of her Master Grade Gundam Model of Char's custom Zaku-IIS, but answers Curryman nonetheless.
Asuka | Cute, Asian Otaku"Bambi's always late for things. But I suppose I could speed things up." 

Asuka rings a nearby bell as Curryman stands outside of the bathroom. Bambi snatches him to join her in the bathroom after purring into his ear. The door slams behind them as sounds of struggle followed by sensual moans come from the room. Those sounds don't stop Asuka's progress until finally there's silence. 
Asuka looks up from her constructing her Gundam model out of curosity and goes to knock on the door to see if everything is alright. 
Curryman | Hot & Spicy"Konichiwa!!" 
Curryman kicks open the door, heading towards the ring with a huge smile on his face. Bambi follows behind fanning her flushed face as sweat drips from brow and hair. 
Bambi | Ring-Bell Babe "What a work out..."

In all seriousness, with the suits and how they carried themselves,
the real MEMwere a sermon away from being a ministry anyway.

The Main Event Ministry

For those who know me personally, it is a common fact that a lot of my early original wrestlers that I used in e-federations were loosely based off my real life friends and acquaintances, but extreme versions of their personalities or in other cases, twisted polar opposites of their real life personas.

My close friend from college who I loosely based Scary (now dubbed Sensational) Mary off of, was a Catholic school girl, so T-Bone and I had the crazy idea to cook up a church-themed stable in the style of Total Non-Stop Action's own Main Event Mafia faction to have her be a part of.

Enter the Main Event Ministry, consisting of the following:

Deacon Dequan - The same Dequan who is the kayfabe brother of G-Money as part of the Unholy Alliance stable from me and T-Bone's shared WWE Universe over the last decade and a half. Dequan is essentially Monty Brown, Rhyno, Farooq, Devon Dudley, and Bobby Lashley rolled into one guy. Along with G-Money, he is a multiple-time Tag Team Champion, and has had singles competition victories, holding the Intercontinental and Hardcore Championships in ZXWWF.

Bishop Gregg (G-Money) - Much like Dequan, G-Money has always been a thorn in ZX and T-Bone's side over the years of our Universe. He dominated the earlier years of ZXWWF, winning the ZXWWF and World Heavyweight Championships on multiple occasions. Throw Mark Henry, Brock Lesnar, Hernandez, and almost any powerhouse wrestler into a blender, you get this guy. He would be the bouncer at the bottom of the entrance ramp, acting as a bouncer to MEM's religious services. T-Bone and I cooked up the names of Gregg and Dequan's tag team finishers, The Revival (Cade & Murdoch's Sweet & Sour finisher) and Tithes and Offerings (Avalanche Assisted-Turnbuckle Tombstone). We were laughing as hard as you are right now reading that.

Sister Mary (Scary Mary) - Scary Mary, who is currently going as Sensational Mary, is renown in ZXWWF for ending the tyranny of Litablaze. We were planning on making her like a bad ass nun, much like the protagonist of Warrior Nun Areala or maybe like The Sister from Machete. Think of her as a more sinister take on Ivory's role in the Right to Censor faction.

Pastor Darrius (D-Mob) - In ZXWWF, D-Mob aka Darrius Lewis from the Def Jam Vendetta and Def Jam: Fight for New York games served as the e-federation's kayfabe owner until ZX owned up to being the legit owner close to the federation's closure. Paster Darrius would "inspire" the masses with the spoken word of the Lord and Savior as a figure much like a wicked combination of "Straight-Edge Savior" CM Punk and The Wyatt Family's Bray Wyatt.

One more detail... the Main Event Ministry would be accompanied to the arena by the musical musings of Unholy Union Mass Choir. (Laughs) We scrapped this idea as we knew were going to be burning in Hell with gasoline underwear on by the time we finished our first run with this stable.

Psycho Sagus Ends The Streak

And inside joke between my friends and I was that every year around WrestleMania time was when ZXWWF's resident jobber is hunted down and beaten to pulp to by one of my (so-called) original wrestlers, "The Undead Phenom" Nemesis. This went on for about 7 years in a row. True story - I originally made Nemesis in WWF Smackdown! 2: Know Your Role on PSone, only for him to evolve into his own original entity and less inspired by the Resident Evil 3 character of the same name. By this point, he was more or less like The Undertaker than the Resident Evil series character of the same name.

As usual, T-Bone and I were brainstorming ideas for our characters when it was close to WrestleMania season and T-Bone cooked up the idea of "What if Psycho Sagus actually ended Nemesis' streak of wins against him at 'Mania?" We both laughed at the idea as we knew no one would buy it. Then of course, alcohol was involved and we cooked up an angle over the next few hours that never saw reality.

Every time Nemesis would hunt down Psycho Sagus and corner him, something bad would happen to Nemesis that would give Psycho Sagus a window to escape and flee until the next show. The jinxes would be completely random - backstage equipment falling on top of Nemesis, Nemesis randomly tripping up and staggering into the Divas' dressing rooms and getting slapped, someone hitting him with a car in the parking lot (he's supposed to be a zombie, so it's not like it's going to kill him...), or even Nemesis racing out to Psycho Sagus' car trying to beat him to the escape only for Sagus' car to blow up in his face... (like this...) Yeah when we wasted, what do you expect? At WrestleMania, Psycho Sagus would come out wearing every lucky charm you could think of - rabbit's feet, four leaf clovers, monkey's paws, horseshoes, etc. - all while eating a bowl of Lucky Charms cereal for the added effect. Nemesis beats the holy shit out of Psycho Sagus, despite that all of his allies come to his aid - including Big J, Junior J (Matt's masked luchador gimmick, who was Psycho Sagus' tag team partner in ZXWWF), and even "The Caucasian Bulldozer" Hugo (read the chapter on The Rise & Fall of ZXWWF for the full backstory on this character... it's still funny to me, dammit) all failed to slow Nemesis down. Psycho Sagus raced throughout the arena on the run and made his way to the parking lot. He managed to trap his pursuer inside a limousine before fleeing to safety. Just as Nemesis was about to kick open the door, Sagus rams into the limo with a stolen car and bails at the last second. Both cars explode as Sagus limps away from the wreckage, celebrating prematurely. Sagus spun around into a pending Clothesline from Hell from Nemesis, who was covered in blood from head to toe. Nemesis falls to the ground and passes out from the shock of his injuries. Junior J races to the scene and drags Sagus on top of Nemesis to steal the win in the fashion of Shane McMahon (Simba) versus The Big Show.

We ended up scrapping that idea as if memory serves me right, Emily ended up being the first and only woman to challenge Nemesis' "streak" but lost, only for "The Hardcore Superman" Shawn Damian to beat Nemesis the following year in a brutal hardcore match, thanks to a well-placed assisted from Psycho Sagus, so at least he did contribute to the end of the streak. Nemesis ended up showing his gratitude by delivering a Clothesline from Hell on Sagus out of the wheelchair he was sitting in to nurse his piling injuries.

T-Bone's Retirement

I'm going to repeat this ENTIRE crazy idea my best friend, T-Bone, cooked up for his own character's retirement, word by word verbatim. So, T-Bone, if you're reading this entry and I left out any details, please add them in the comments please.

It starts with the announcement of T-Bone being inducted into the ZXWWF Hall of Fame. T-Bone's long-time rival, Dequan, isn't hearing any of this as he doesn't believe T-Bone to be HOF worthy until they finally settle their decade-long rivalry. T-Bone wasn't having any of Dequan's idle threats and just ignored him over the weeks leading up to 'Mania, despite the constant assaults to T-Bone. Eventually, things come to a head when T-Bone and his recently announced fiance, Emily, were making a public appearance to hype the event, Dequan comes out of the paparazzi and takes out Emily with The Gore. This ends up being the straw that breaks the camel's back as Emily narrowly missed having a miscarriage, no thanks to Dequan's attack. T-Bone finally agrees to settle this for good with Dequan at 'Mania in a match they have originated, called "The Gore Match". Yes, that's what it was called. The Gore Match. Go ahead and pour yourself a few shots because it's going to get even weirder from here.

The rules of The Gore Match is as follows:

1. It is treated like a traditional Ironman Match 
2. No pinfalls nor submissions can win the contest. 
3. Points are only acquired from landing a successful Gore finisher on your opponent. 
4. The winner of match is the Superstar who hits the most number of The Gores in the time limit. 
5. All interference is banned and will be fired on the spot. Both Superstars' allies have agreed to take no part in this match in any way whatsoever.

Before 'Mania even begins, T-Bone sees Emily in the hospital and promises that he's going to end this with Dequan or die trying. ZX catches up with him before the match and asks him if this is really what he wants to do. T-Bone merely states that he's putting his life, his career, and his legacy on the line tonight, stating that if he doesn't win then there's no reason to go back to Emily and their baby that's on the way. ZX says, "It's your funeral, man."

We finally get to the match. It goes on for over an hour and half of The Gore being attempted by both Superstars, but neither managing to hit it successfully, so it goes into sudden death overtime. Yes, you read that right - a HOUR AND A HALF. This was the point were I was in tears laughing from the absurdity of this match. The Pay-Per-View is in overtime past midnight and people in the audience are starting to leave getting fed up of this stalemate. In the ring, both T-Bone and Dequan are both showing signs of fatigue as the referee has given up on signalling them to take this match "home" with a finish. Dequan goes for the kill with The Gore and T-Bone answers by elevating Dequan into the air and hitting a RKO. Knowing that's not going to close out this match, T-Bone hits the ropes rebounding back and forth like he's going for The People's Elbow. Dequan quits playing possum and kips up with a final Gore. T-Bone leapfrogs over it at the last second and hits the ropes once more. The ropes snap from the sheer force of the impact of how hard T-Bone rebounds from them and propels himself forward towards Dequan, who spun around right into T-Bone's own Gore. T-Bone hits Dequan with so much impact that both Superstars throw up as they laid on the canvas from the sheer brutality of the blow. So the match ends with both Superstars unconscious in puddles of their own vomit as pretty much most of the live audience has left and doesn't even care at this point.

One spot T-Bone didn't want to use that I cooked up for the finish was Dequan jumping off the turnbuckle and Goring T-Bone through the canvas. (Shrugs) Oh well. It's his retirement story after all. (Laughs). I ain't even mad about it.

So yeah... This match wasn't used for obvious reasons, namely for the outlandish nature of this match.

Rumor Mill: ZX, Justice, and Cheeka reportedly seen leaving from the same hotel

I'm sure both Justice and Cheeka can tell this story better than me, but during the point that I took Cheeka underneath my wing. Cheeka's heel turn got to the point where it landed her into the most powerful role (kayfabe-wise) in ZXWWF, as she was manipulating an amnesic as his fiance. Justice, being the woman that she is (in character anyway...), wasn't going to allow Cheeka have all of that fun to herself. This was an elaborate rumor that we cooked up on the short-lived Rumor Mill boards on the old ZXWWF forums, that had many members questioning and wondering if it were a reality from the way we egged it on for a while.

Team Madness is still my favorite stable of all-time. Only Savage
knew how to assemble of team of the hottest and most lethal
women in wrestling at his side. 

The truth of the matter is, NOTHING happened. We were going to do an angle where we all came together as a heel faction... Boy, that didn't sound right at all... (Laughs) Anywho... Cheeka crashed to the stress of pressure of delivering on such a big angle. One thing led to another and we never got it off the ground. Cheeka, if you're reading this I'm not upset about that anymore. I put WAY too much pressure on you to deliver there. It's my fault just as much as yours for blowing it there.

To this date, Justice and I still joke about it being a reality as Justice claims that she doesn't share her food with anyone else. I beg to differ as if it were up to me, it would have been like "Macho Man" Randy Savage's trio of lovely ladies back in WCW - "Miss Madness '94" (Mona/Molly Holly), Madusa, and Gorgeous George. A guy can dream, can't he? Who knows, Justice and Cheeka might change their tunes sooner more than later.

CM Punk vs. Morgan Davis' "Colorful" Verbal Dispute

In my current federation, GZWA, I have been playing as CM Punk, who pretty much acts like a smart ass to each and every situation. So when he came head-to-head with the woman who literally is the "Mouth of the South" when it comes belittling other Superstars and Divas on the roster, it was going to get interesting.

The story to this point was that CM Punk was coming out to defend himself as Morgan Davis made a public spectacle of him and the rest of the Straight-Edge Society in her popularized "Hot Ass Mess of the Moment" segment, where she selects an individual (or a group of individuals) and reveals some not so flattering information about that person(s).

Even at his worst, I couldn't portray CM Punk as a racist
with my roleplays...

Here's where it gets ugly. CM Punk and Morgan Davis were to trade snide remarks as planned but as when Morgan Davis' handler and myself were collaborating and writing this segment together through the magic of Google Documents, it came down to this line that CM Punk stated to retort to one of Morgan's sassy remarks.

"I wasn't aware that they let you off the plantation... Toby."

Yes, Morgan Davis is an African-American character and I, the writer of this blog who was handling CM Punk at the time, am black as well. Truth be told, Morgan's handler and I burst out laughing as we thought it was hilarious. Immediately, we went to Facebook and various IM outlets and gauged a few friends' reactions to mixed results. Yeah, it's one of those things like going too far in one of those skits in Chappelle's Show, where you mean to be funny but you don't want to come off sounding insanely racist either. Being the forum administrator and head cheese of my federation, I didn't want to make it look like it was acceptable to do this kind of thing on a regular basis so we scrapped that line and how worse the segment turned out after that line out completely. Trust me, the version we went with was a LOT more tame than that the original version that we trashed.


That's enough for now, true believers. I hope you guys have enjoy the read. Those of you who have been in e-federations with me have some of your own, feel free to share in the comments.