Last night was WWE Payback, held in Chicago and much to the internet wrestling community's displeasure, there was NO CM Punk in attendance. That didn't stop World Wrestling Entertainment from putting on an amazing follow-up to last month's Extreme Rules event.
Let's discuss what went down. This isn't going to be long since I'm trying to get this done before Monday Night RAW within the next hour.
El Torito defeated Hornswoggle.
This was a mask vs. hair match on the PPV pre-show. Hornswoggle pulled off El Torito’s mask during the match, but Torito had on a second mask underneath, showing off that Torito has gotten secret identity lessons from Major Glory on Dexter's Laboratory. Torito got the pin, and Hornswoggle was forced to let Torito and Los Matadores shave his head.
I'm more surprised that there's not a million memes of Hornswoggle with that white cream on his face and the Brazzers logo floating around Tumblr and social media by now.
You're going to hear me keep saying it for a while, but dammit, I want a Los Matadores vs. El Local & Kalisto feud.
United States Championship Match: Sheamus (c) defeated Cesaro.
Cesaro swung Sheamus with a giant swing, but Sheamus recovered a bit too fast and rolled Cesaro up into a small package to retain the championship. This was a solid contest for both men, but let's be honest here. Cesaro doesn't need the US title to get over (he's already over...) and Sheamus is just merely holding it until WWE Creative figures out something better for these two Superstars to do. The true star of this opening contest was Paul Heyman, who garnered heat with a mention of CM Punk, his client ending The Undertaker's streak at WrestleMania, and their beloved hockey team in one fell swoop.
It's really sad to see that WWE's only "legitimate" heels are Stephanie McMahon and Paul Heyman while the other so-called heels are encouraging this ass-backwards cheering and allow the fans to worship them like they are babyfaces.
Rybaxel defeated Cody Rhodes and Goldust.
Ryback pinned Cody Rhodes after countering a Disaster Kick into Shell Shocked. That being said, Cody really needs to look into a different finisher. Everyone and their mothers AND grandmothers have been countering the Disaster Kick. After the match, Cody expressed that Goldust deserved a better tag team partner. Cody's being a little harsh on himself, but the thing to take away from this match is that Ryback won here. Sure, he was at the top of the card last year on Payback, but at least he's not a complete afterthought on this year's card. I can't say the same for Curtis Axel though.
As for the Rhodes Brothers, I guess they are going to split them up and have them feud against each other like WWE has been hinting and teasing at for months now.
Rusev defeated Big E.
Jesus H. Christ, could Lana's dress/business suit be any tighter? I was practically drooling during her entrance. Well, more so than usual...
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| The first of many "Holy Shit!!" moments of the night... |
Kofi Kingston vs. Bo Dallas was announced, but never (really) happened.
Kane showed up and beat up Kingston, tombstone piledriving him. After the attack, Bo told Kofi he’d be back and better than ever in no time, should he choose to Bo-lieve. So, Bo Dallas' gimmick on the main roster is that he's a motivational speaker? Whatever... Apparently, Kane didn't want to see this match either.
As for Kane squashing Kofi Kingston, you can't say this is a coincidence. Two black guys getting squashed in matches back to back.
@LetsTalkWrestle #RacistRusev and #KKKane would dominate the tag team division. Just saying
— Mick (@mreed0803) June 2, 2014
Intercontinental Championship Match: Bad News Barrett (c) defeated Rob Van Dam.
After not managing to troll the crowd with a mock CM Punk appearance, Barrett countered a split-legged moonsault and hit the Bad News Bullhammer Elbow for the three. It was a bit too obvious that BNB was going to retain here, but I liked that WWE gave fans a bit of doubt when Barrett smashed his arm on the corner post. The thing I didn't understand was why didn't he just do the Bullhammer with the other arm?
Apparently, Barrett never saw Domon Kasshu's match against Sai Saici in Mobile Fighter G Gundam. You CAN use your special moves with the other hand...
Last Man Standing Match: John Cena defeated Bray Wyatt.
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| Well, that's one REALLY "innovative" way to use the steps... |
To the people who are complaining about Cena winning, what did you expect? Good has to triumph over evil/adversity, so get over it. Cena lost last month at Extreme Rules so turnabout is fair play. Bray Wyatt is insanely over and this match (plus this high profile feud in general) wasn't required to secure his future nor his success in WWE. He's already a made man. The sky is the limit from here. I wouldn't be surprised if Bray Wyatt will be in a World Heavyweight Championship match by the end of this year.
Daniel Bryan's Decision
Stephanie McMahon brought out Daniel Bryan and Brie Bella in the hopes that she’d get Bryan’s title belts and fire Brie. Instead, Brie called her a bitch, quit, and slapped her in the face. Brie and Bryan chanted "YES" while Stephanie ran away with what looked like a piss stain on the back of her dress.
Call me nuts, but I'm pretty sure Stephanie is going to show up on RAW with her suit off and on more roids than Vince McMahon when he confronted Austin in the ring the first time. Seriously though, I want to see Brie vs. Stephanie just for the hell of it. They teased a Steph vs. AJ encounter last year and never went anywhere with it so I want them to make good on this premise.
As for the World Heavyweight Championship situation, I wish they would quit dragging this out and just strip Daniel Bryan of the championship. Have Stephanie "reward" the title to Triple H and garner more heel heat for The Authority during Bryan's absence. That would give one of the members of The Shield, namely Roman Reigns, an excuse to feud with Triple H in a high profile feud while the other members participate in the Money in the Bank Ladder Match that will be the profile match of the upcoming Money in the Bank PPV.
Divas Championship Match: Paige (c) defeated Alicia Fox.
After Alicia Fox dominated this entire match with a variety of backbreakers, Paige turned this around in typical Hulk Hogan/John Cena fashion. Paige forced Alicia Fox to tap out to the modified Scorpion Crosslock and no one cared. Cole referred to the move as the "PTO". Just no, WWE. Cook up a better name for it and scrap that shit completely.
While WWE is at it, they need to reconsider how they are portraying Paige so far. Roughly every Paige match to date has been the same, with Paige getting the piss beat out of her for 99.9% of the match until her burst of momentum that leads her to victory. It was fine for her first few bouts on the main roster, but WWE really needs to spice things up or audiences are going to become bored with her quickly, possibly even faster than when fans abandoned Kaitlyn during her Divas Championship reign.
You would expect that WWE would demand a stronger outing for the Divas at Payback, especially after Natalya and Charlotte literally stole the show during NXT Takeover last Thursday. Nope, this match ends up being yet another standard Paige showing. Alicia Fox is showing promise, but it seems like they aren't going anywhere with any sort of development with Paige.
As for this during the Fallout, it seems like they are setting up a potential Cameron vs. Paige feud. (Facepalms) Just all kinds of no, WWE. Let Naomi feud with her instead of Cameron. This is already looking like a disaster.
No Holds Barred Six-Man Elimination Tag Team Match: The Shield defeated Evolution.
Seth Rollins pinned Batista (or rather Bluetista...) after a spear from Roman Reigns. Dean Ambrose pinned Randy Orton following a headlock driver onto a steel chair. Roman Reigns hit a spear on Triple H to win the match. This match was good, but it pales in comparison to the Cena vs. Bray Wyatt match from earlier on the card and it definitely wasn't as good as their match at Extreme Rules.
My only compliant was that I was half-expecting Evolution to come out of this with a win. Sure, they were dominating the bulk of this feud since Extreme Rules, but after Batista and Orton went down, I was expecting Triple H to make a solo comeback, similar to Randy Orton's Survivor Series prowess. That would give Triple H bragging rights to start off tonight's RAW broadcast with and more reason to have The Authority to "strip" Daniel Bryan of the World Heavyweight Championship since HHH has deemed himself more worthy after putting down The Shield.
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| The amount of "subtle" racism on this broadcast amazes me... |
Regardless, WWE Payback was a solid PPV. It wasn't a well-oiled machine like NXT Takeover, but was a solid performance all around by the main roster talent.
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